The Wizard and the Wit

(Before we get started, I just want to say that this is a bit cheesy, but I hope you like the puns!)


This is just an excerpt from the whole thing. I'll post the rest later.

Characters:

Xandalf, a high-tempered sorcerer

Ella, his humble servant. She is ugly and dirty

Billiam, a witty peasant who doesn’t know when to stop teasing people

Announcer

Batthew Boggle

Other Concerned Citizens of Phantasmorianalus

Scene I:  Palace of Xandalf. Xandalf enters with Ella

Xan: I told you, Ella, I wanted thirteen crows and thirteen doves!

Ella: Well, sir, catching a crow was hard enough, but dove catching… that’s a quest that even a knight  couldn’t succeed with!

Xan: I don’t care! If I don’t have thirteen doves and thirteen crows, my spell won’t work, and when my spells don’t work…

Ella:  (Sighing) We are going to have bad weather in Phantasmorianalus.  

Xan: Exactly! Now get to work! (exit in a huff)

Ella: Oh, this isn’t good.

Singing from offstage. Billiam enters, singing a merry tune and carrying several birds.

Bill: Well, hello lovely lass. Can a poor wandering serf like me be of any assistance to someone as godly as yourself?

Ella:  (hopefully)Godly?

Bill: Just kidding! You wouldn't know godly if it hit you in the face! Now, about a job…

Ella: (Noticing the birds) Do you have thirteen crows and thirteen doves to spare?

Bill: Of course I do! (he hands her two blue jays)

Ella: Are you blind? These are blue jays!

Bill: Of course they are! But everyone knows that if you kiss a blue jay thirteen times it will turn into any bird you like!

Ella: (eagerly) Really!  (kisses the birds)

Bill: (laughing) I’m just joking! You are a very daft dame!

Ella: (very angry)  Humph! Well you can take your filthy flock of fowls out of this palace right now!

Bill: Oh no! I’m very sorry! (kneels and pleads for mercy) Please forgive me! I’ll do anything you want, but let me work!

Ella: Well…

Bill: Thank you very much. I’ll find the most amazing thirteen crows and thirteen doves in all of Phantasmorianalus!

Ella: Mind you hurry, though.

Bill: Of course! (he turns to leave but runs into Xandalf)

Xan: And who is this, Ella?

Bill: Just poor little Billiam the peasant! I’m a poor man in money… but I can see that you are poor man in looks.

Xan: (Incredibly offended) How dare you! A wizard of my power should never be insulted… especially by peasants!

Bill: A wizard? Of what, Oz? (laughs)

Xan: I will not be spoken to like this! From this day on, peasant, you will only speak in rhymes and puns… a reminder that people with sharp tongues are always punished! (Xandalf disappears dramatically)

Bill: Well, before he left, I was going to tell him that he was fat as Sir Cumference. You know, the knight that had too much pi?

Ella: I’m sorry, serf. When Xandalf curses you, he means it.

Bill: I’m not cursed. I don’t feel worse.

Ella: Rhymes and puns is all you’ll ever speak again. Sorry.

Bill: Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and  says 'Dam!'

Ella: So what?

Bill: The last word I said is what I have in my head.

Xan: (offstage) Ella, I still need those crows and doves!

Bread and Cheese

(A Cautionary Tale)

               

In a small cottage on the banks of the Shannon River lived a poor couple. The husband, whose name was Angus,  was a man with no brains and a secret stash of whiskey. His wife, whose name was Ellen,  was a cunning woman, always plotting to become the richest lady in Ireland. But when you live in a cottage with a stupid husband, your prospects are rather dim.

It just so happened one day that Angus’ secret stash of whiskey was running low. He snuck out of the cottage late at night to go buy some more when he heard laughing. He crept toward the sound and found a little man with a red beard and a green suit dancing around a pot of gold. Because he had seen this vision several times while he was drunk, he suddenly doubted his soberness and went home.

The next day, his wife, who had felt him leave, asked him where he went. “Uh,” he said. He thought up a lie. “ Twas searching for Leprechauns. I found one, too.”

Ellen, who also doubted her husband’s soberness, smiled and patted him on the back. Then she turned to make bread for breakfast. “Not bread again,” groaned Angus. “Why can’t we have something new. Like cheese!”

“Angus, you are truly the most stupid man in all of Ireland,” retorted Ellen. “You need a  goat  to make cheese.”

Angus frowned, but said nothing more.

That night, Ellen had a restless night. She decided to take a walk on the bank when she heard laughter. She crept toward the sound and found a little man with a red beard and a green suit dancing around a pot of gold. Having never touched whiskey, she leapt at the little man and lifted him by the feet.

The little man, who you have probably guessed to be a leprechaun, shrieked and wriggled. “Let me go, miss,” he pleaded. “I have a wife and thirty-seven children and…”

“Oh, be quiet,” commanded Ellen. “I will let you go… if you give me that gold.”

The leprechaun turned pale. “Anything but that, lassie. Please mum, anything but that!”

Now Ellen, being a cunning woman, thought that she could get even more than a pot of gold with this leprechaun.

“Okay, Leprechaun,” she said. “I would like… three wishes!”

The leprechaun looked affronted. “ I am not a fairy, lass!”

“Then what can you give me?” asked Ellen testily.

The little man hesitated. “Well,” he said dejectedly. “I have a seed that will grow you an entire garden.”

“Hah!” said Ellen scornfully. “I don’t want a garden!”

The leprechaun took a bean from his pocket. “This bean will grow into a tree that produces gold.”

“I know how tricky you leprechauns are. It probably grows a fruit colored like gold!”

The leprechaun searched his pockets until he found a grain of rice. “Eat this and you shall rise above men!”

Ellen didn’t notice the leprechauns sneaky grin as she pondered this grain of rice. To rise above men, she thought greedily. I will rule all of Ireland, and perhaps the world! She yanked the rice grain from the little man’ hand a swallowed it avariciously. Suddenly, she started floating  up, up, up!

“You are rising above men!” laughed the leprechaun. Ellen screeched in horror, but it was too late. She floated away, never to be seen again.

Many months later, Angus was out of whiskey, and money for that matter. He was roaming the bank, looking for any shiny coin when he heard laughing. He crept toward the sound and found a little man with a red beard and a green suit dancing around a pot of gold. Because he had not had whiskey in weeks, Angus pounced on the leprechaun and lifted him up by the ankles.

“Oh, not again!” wailed the leprechaun. “Do you want my gold?”

Angus thought about it. Too much gold, however tempting it may be, could be a problem.

“Actually, leprechaun,” said Angus. “I would like… cheese. Yes, that’s it, cheese. I would like bread and cheese for the rest of my days.”

The leprechaun was dumbfounded, but he said, “When you get home, your cupboards will never empty of what you desire.”

And so it was that Angus lived happily until a ripe old age, living on bread and cheese.

Moral: Greed makes you shortsighted. Think ahead before avarice takes over.

Another Side Note

(There are probably going to be a lot of side notes from now on.)
I am thinking of joining goodreads.com. Please comment if you have
an account on that website.

SIDE NOTE:

Read the article called 'Aloha' before you read anything else.

TOTALLY WICKED!

A Review of the Smash Hit Broadway musical Wicked.

       As the curtains rise, the citizens of Oz dance, for at last, the Wicked Witch of the West is dead! Suddenly, Glinda the Good appears in her magic bubble to join the celebration. But one particularly brave Ozian asks Glinda a stunning question. "Glinda, is it true you were her friend?" And that launches Glinda into a memory of her days at Shiz University where she and Elphaba, now known as the Wicked Witch, became the best of friends, and how some very bad choices on both sides ripped them apart.

There was very little dancing, something that irked me a bit. Also, the very last scene didn't have the usual Broadway production number. A few people dotted the stage to sing the last words of the whole show, and then everything went black. I had hoped for a little bit of broom stick flying or even a teeny-weeny bit of dancing. 

            However, the lighting and staging was more than wonderful. Composer Steven Schwartz is at his best throughout the show from the peppy perky song 'Popular' to the heartfelt ballad 'For Good'. I was pleased at the costumes and special effects used in this musical. Glinda did  have a bubble machine to transport herself, and Elphaba  does fly on her broom stick. One of the best things about the show is that there is no definite 'bad guy'. Virtually every character makes some very bad choices, but at the same time, you can't help feeling sorry for them.  It is a good illustration of the well-worn phrase 'nobody's perfect'.

Full of singing, spelling, and plenty of show magic in between, Wicked is definitely a show worth watching.   

       

Aloha!

Throughout my entire writing career, I have had only one editor: my dear mother. She gives great writing tips, but I would like to expand my vision. This Blog was made so that you (the reader) can also give me tips and ideas. If you would be so kind, just comment on my posts about how you like my writing and how you would improve it.

Thanks a million!
S.L.