The Wizard and the Wit

(Before we get started, I just want to say that this is a bit cheesy, but I hope you like the puns!)


This is just an excerpt from the whole thing. I'll post the rest later.

Characters:

Xandalf, a high-tempered sorcerer

Ella, his humble servant. She is ugly and dirty

Billiam, a witty peasant who doesn’t know when to stop teasing people

Announcer

Batthew Boggle

Other Concerned Citizens of Phantasmorianalus

Scene I:  Palace of Xandalf. Xandalf enters with Ella

Xan: I told you, Ella, I wanted thirteen crows and thirteen doves!

Ella: Well, sir, catching a crow was hard enough, but dove catching… that’s a quest that even a knight  couldn’t succeed with!

Xan: I don’t care! If I don’t have thirteen doves and thirteen crows, my spell won’t work, and when my spells don’t work…

Ella:  (Sighing) We are going to have bad weather in Phantasmorianalus.  

Xan: Exactly! Now get to work! (exit in a huff)

Ella: Oh, this isn’t good.

Singing from offstage. Billiam enters, singing a merry tune and carrying several birds.

Bill: Well, hello lovely lass. Can a poor wandering serf like me be of any assistance to someone as godly as yourself?

Ella:  (hopefully)Godly?

Bill: Just kidding! You wouldn't know godly if it hit you in the face! Now, about a job…

Ella: (Noticing the birds) Do you have thirteen crows and thirteen doves to spare?

Bill: Of course I do! (he hands her two blue jays)

Ella: Are you blind? These are blue jays!

Bill: Of course they are! But everyone knows that if you kiss a blue jay thirteen times it will turn into any bird you like!

Ella: (eagerly) Really!  (kisses the birds)

Bill: (laughing) I’m just joking! You are a very daft dame!

Ella: (very angry)  Humph! Well you can take your filthy flock of fowls out of this palace right now!

Bill: Oh no! I’m very sorry! (kneels and pleads for mercy) Please forgive me! I’ll do anything you want, but let me work!

Ella: Well…

Bill: Thank you very much. I’ll find the most amazing thirteen crows and thirteen doves in all of Phantasmorianalus!

Ella: Mind you hurry, though.

Bill: Of course! (he turns to leave but runs into Xandalf)

Xan: And who is this, Ella?

Bill: Just poor little Billiam the peasant! I’m a poor man in money… but I can see that you are poor man in looks.

Xan: (Incredibly offended) How dare you! A wizard of my power should never be insulted… especially by peasants!

Bill: A wizard? Of what, Oz? (laughs)

Xan: I will not be spoken to like this! From this day on, peasant, you will only speak in rhymes and puns… a reminder that people with sharp tongues are always punished! (Xandalf disappears dramatically)

Bill: Well, before he left, I was going to tell him that he was fat as Sir Cumference. You know, the knight that had too much pi?

Ella: I’m sorry, serf. When Xandalf curses you, he means it.

Bill: I’m not cursed. I don’t feel worse.

Ella: Rhymes and puns is all you’ll ever speak again. Sorry.

Bill: Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and  says 'Dam!'

Ella: So what?

Bill: The last word I said is what I have in my head.

Xan: (offstage) Ella, I still need those crows and doves!