Bread and Cheese

(A Cautionary Tale)

               

In a small cottage on the banks of the Shannon River lived a poor couple. The husband, whose name was Angus,  was a man with no brains and a secret stash of whiskey. His wife, whose name was Ellen,  was a cunning woman, always plotting to become the richest lady in Ireland. But when you live in a cottage with a stupid husband, your prospects are rather dim.

It just so happened one day that Angus’ secret stash of whiskey was running low. He snuck out of the cottage late at night to go buy some more when he heard laughing. He crept toward the sound and found a little man with a red beard and a green suit dancing around a pot of gold. Because he had seen this vision several times while he was drunk, he suddenly doubted his soberness and went home.

The next day, his wife, who had felt him leave, asked him where he went. “Uh,” he said. He thought up a lie. “ Twas searching for Leprechauns. I found one, too.”

Ellen, who also doubted her husband’s soberness, smiled and patted him on the back. Then she turned to make bread for breakfast. “Not bread again,” groaned Angus. “Why can’t we have something new. Like cheese!”

“Angus, you are truly the most stupid man in all of Ireland,” retorted Ellen. “You need a  goat  to make cheese.”

Angus frowned, but said nothing more.

That night, Ellen had a restless night. She decided to take a walk on the bank when she heard laughter. She crept toward the sound and found a little man with a red beard and a green suit dancing around a pot of gold. Having never touched whiskey, she leapt at the little man and lifted him by the feet.

The little man, who you have probably guessed to be a leprechaun, shrieked and wriggled. “Let me go, miss,” he pleaded. “I have a wife and thirty-seven children and…”

“Oh, be quiet,” commanded Ellen. “I will let you go… if you give me that gold.”

The leprechaun turned pale. “Anything but that, lassie. Please mum, anything but that!”

Now Ellen, being a cunning woman, thought that she could get even more than a pot of gold with this leprechaun.

“Okay, Leprechaun,” she said. “I would like… three wishes!”

The leprechaun looked affronted. “ I am not a fairy, lass!”

“Then what can you give me?” asked Ellen testily.

The little man hesitated. “Well,” he said dejectedly. “I have a seed that will grow you an entire garden.”

“Hah!” said Ellen scornfully. “I don’t want a garden!”

The leprechaun took a bean from his pocket. “This bean will grow into a tree that produces gold.”

“I know how tricky you leprechauns are. It probably grows a fruit colored like gold!”

The leprechaun searched his pockets until he found a grain of rice. “Eat this and you shall rise above men!”

Ellen didn’t notice the leprechauns sneaky grin as she pondered this grain of rice. To rise above men, she thought greedily. I will rule all of Ireland, and perhaps the world! She yanked the rice grain from the little man’ hand a swallowed it avariciously. Suddenly, she started floating  up, up, up!

“You are rising above men!” laughed the leprechaun. Ellen screeched in horror, but it was too late. She floated away, never to be seen again.

Many months later, Angus was out of whiskey, and money for that matter. He was roaming the bank, looking for any shiny coin when he heard laughing. He crept toward the sound and found a little man with a red beard and a green suit dancing around a pot of gold. Because he had not had whiskey in weeks, Angus pounced on the leprechaun and lifted him up by the ankles.

“Oh, not again!” wailed the leprechaun. “Do you want my gold?”

Angus thought about it. Too much gold, however tempting it may be, could be a problem.

“Actually, leprechaun,” said Angus. “I would like… cheese. Yes, that’s it, cheese. I would like bread and cheese for the rest of my days.”

The leprechaun was dumbfounded, but he said, “When you get home, your cupboards will never empty of what you desire.”

And so it was that Angus lived happily until a ripe old age, living on bread and cheese.

Moral: Greed makes you shortsighted. Think ahead before avarice takes over.